I was talking to one of my best friends the other night. And she was listening to music and she stopped and said, "God, this song has always reminded me of you. Your life, your marriage. I get so sad everytime I hear it." I asked her what song. She is one of the few people in my life that knew me BH (Before Him). And what she said just killed me. She said, "it's like he sucked the life out of you, the happiness out of you. Just like the song, he tore your wings off, broke you down. I'm just so excited to think that now you can get your "song" back."
It's one of those things only a great friend can say. And when they say something like that, you listen to them. And when they believe in you, you know you're going to make it.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Closing in...
My divorce is nearing completion. After months of the toughest battle I could have ever imagined, I am perhaps weeks away from closing that chapter of my life. One thing that runs through my head a lot, is "what went wrong?" What magical thing did my marriage lack, that others don't?
I know there were a lot of things. I don't think we were a match made in heaven from the start. But after lots of thinking, I think I can pinpoint one of the things that bothered me most. I know a couple, and while he's not perfect and she's not perfect, and as a pair they aren't perfect, they have this amazing quality that my marriage always lacked. They support each other 100%. And it's the type of support that you can easily see as a bystander. When he runs in a race, a race he has no intention of "winning," she fights crowds and heat just to be there to cheer him on. When she talks about going for a promotion at work, he gets excited and wants to know more about it and says she should go for it, she's the best person for the job! When his favorite team is playing for a Superbowl spot, she busts out her jersey and cheers with him the whole game. Maybe she doesn't care about football or that team, but she does care about him and what's important to him. Or when her family has a tradition of going camping, even though he grew up never camping and maybe doesn't even love it, he gets excited about going together to pick out a camper because he knows she'll love it and they can enjoy it together!
I've heard before that the good things in life aren't worth anything if you don't have someone to share them with. Well, I think you can be in a relationship and still not have that person. When I used to play in the annual Iowa Games sports festival, the Ex would never come watch me compete. It was hot and humid and probably really boring. But when I won the tournament, he wasn't there to see it. My family was, but not him. That other couple I know, if it had been one of them, the other would be cheering them every point of that final game, excited to let the world know that that is their partner out there doing something cool.
I worked on my MBA for 3 years. It sucked so bad, I really hated every second of it. The day I graduated the Ex was such an asshole. He bitched and moaned about going to an hour-long ceremony. 3 years of late nights, driving, and studying and he was going to have to sit through an hour. The other couple was there that day too. But when he walked across the stage his spouse was cheering him on and taking pictures. She was so proud of him and wasn't afraid for him to know it. My husband skipped the party afterwards.
When I got a job offer from an international organization that would have been a big promotion, the Ex was snide. He was rude and negative about the whole thing. Regardless of whether I wanted to take the job or not, he couldn't have forced himself to say one nice thing about it and he didn't.
When I think of any of my proudest moments. The things I've tried and succeeded at, and even the things I failed at, I was there alone for all of them. When I look at that other couple, I see how it's supposed to be. If he were to sign up for a hot dog eating contest... at a state fair... I know without a doubt she'd be there. She might think it's the stupidest thing on the planet, but she'd be there, cheering him on, because that's what partners do. They don't decide for you if its a worthy event, they support you REGARDLESS of if it's their cup of tea. I know that couple isn't perfect. But I think at the end of each day, they really go to bed knowing that the person lying next to them is in their corner, regardless of the fight, regardless of the event. When you don't have that in a partner, what do you really have?
I know there were a lot of things. I don't think we were a match made in heaven from the start. But after lots of thinking, I think I can pinpoint one of the things that bothered me most. I know a couple, and while he's not perfect and she's not perfect, and as a pair they aren't perfect, they have this amazing quality that my marriage always lacked. They support each other 100%. And it's the type of support that you can easily see as a bystander. When he runs in a race, a race he has no intention of "winning," she fights crowds and heat just to be there to cheer him on. When she talks about going for a promotion at work, he gets excited and wants to know more about it and says she should go for it, she's the best person for the job! When his favorite team is playing for a Superbowl spot, she busts out her jersey and cheers with him the whole game. Maybe she doesn't care about football or that team, but she does care about him and what's important to him. Or when her family has a tradition of going camping, even though he grew up never camping and maybe doesn't even love it, he gets excited about going together to pick out a camper because he knows she'll love it and they can enjoy it together!
I've heard before that the good things in life aren't worth anything if you don't have someone to share them with. Well, I think you can be in a relationship and still not have that person. When I used to play in the annual Iowa Games sports festival, the Ex would never come watch me compete. It was hot and humid and probably really boring. But when I won the tournament, he wasn't there to see it. My family was, but not him. That other couple I know, if it had been one of them, the other would be cheering them every point of that final game, excited to let the world know that that is their partner out there doing something cool.
I worked on my MBA for 3 years. It sucked so bad, I really hated every second of it. The day I graduated the Ex was such an asshole. He bitched and moaned about going to an hour-long ceremony. 3 years of late nights, driving, and studying and he was going to have to sit through an hour. The other couple was there that day too. But when he walked across the stage his spouse was cheering him on and taking pictures. She was so proud of him and wasn't afraid for him to know it. My husband skipped the party afterwards.
When I got a job offer from an international organization that would have been a big promotion, the Ex was snide. He was rude and negative about the whole thing. Regardless of whether I wanted to take the job or not, he couldn't have forced himself to say one nice thing about it and he didn't.
When I think of any of my proudest moments. The things I've tried and succeeded at, and even the things I failed at, I was there alone for all of them. When I look at that other couple, I see how it's supposed to be. If he were to sign up for a hot dog eating contest... at a state fair... I know without a doubt she'd be there. She might think it's the stupidest thing on the planet, but she'd be there, cheering him on, because that's what partners do. They don't decide for you if its a worthy event, they support you REGARDLESS of if it's their cup of tea. I know that couple isn't perfect. But I think at the end of each day, they really go to bed knowing that the person lying next to them is in their corner, regardless of the fight, regardless of the event. When you don't have that in a partner, what do you really have?
Saturday, January 16, 2010
I'm sick. And that means I can't decide if I'm hot or cold. One second I'm sweating. And then I'm freezing. And then I'm wrapping myself up in 4 blankets and then I'm sweating and confused. Do I kick the blankets off and have goosebumps? Do I stay in the blankets and sweat it out. Is that really a medicinal term, "sweat it out?" What exactly am I sweating out. And isn't the whole concept a little gross anyway? I don't really want to sweat anything out. I just prefer things use their normal channels. So I don't know. The only place I really feel comfortable is in the shower. And that's not super practical to stay in there all day long, is it? How many showers are acceptable in one day? 2? 4? 7?
Monday, January 4, 2010
A new kind of Christmas
This was my first Christmas as a single. A single parent, an unmarried person (well, essentially unmarried, pending about 30 more days of the wait period). It was different. Mostly good different, and some bad different.
First, the good. I enjoyed the holidays for the first time in a long time. Every Christmas celebration I had, which was diminished to just two this year, was more pleasant for everyone involved I think? My ex was always such a negative energy- nagging me, nagging the kids, nagging about the weather or the food or the drive, or anything a person could possibly nag about. This year, I relaxed and got to really just enjoy the time with my family. We played a game, ate great food and just sat aroud and watched the kids play. It was a great time and I left feeling the sense of optimism that has driven since the day I decided to get divorced. A sense that normal people are happy and enjoy spending time together and that can be my life too!
Now, the bad. I did miss my nieces and nephews on his side. I've loved them since they were born and just like that, they are gone from my life. No watching them tear the paper off of presents, no watching them play with my daughters. I didn't have my own children on Christmas day, and that was really hard as well. I knew that was the reality of a divorce situation, that there are special times when you won't get to be with your kids. But that was the first time and it was just hard. I wondered what they were doing. If they were having fun. If they had missed me or even thought of me.
It was also the first time I've gone through a holiday season in my house alone. It's just weird- from baking cookies to decorating, to putting trees up. My kids didn't notice or care. So I guess I just did it all for me? It was the first time I didn't have someone running the camcorder, just as excited as me to see my girls wake up on Christmas Day. Nobody sneaking cookies out of the jar. Nobody hanging lights outside. I guess we all have traditions. And you don't necessarily think about why you do them, you just do. Next year I'll have to rethink things. By then I'll be living in a different place and it would be a good time to reassess my traditions, forget the things of the past and find things that fit my girls and I.
First, the good. I enjoyed the holidays for the first time in a long time. Every Christmas celebration I had, which was diminished to just two this year, was more pleasant for everyone involved I think? My ex was always such a negative energy- nagging me, nagging the kids, nagging about the weather or the food or the drive, or anything a person could possibly nag about. This year, I relaxed and got to really just enjoy the time with my family. We played a game, ate great food and just sat aroud and watched the kids play. It was a great time and I left feeling the sense of optimism that has driven since the day I decided to get divorced. A sense that normal people are happy and enjoy spending time together and that can be my life too!
Now, the bad. I did miss my nieces and nephews on his side. I've loved them since they were born and just like that, they are gone from my life. No watching them tear the paper off of presents, no watching them play with my daughters. I didn't have my own children on Christmas day, and that was really hard as well. I knew that was the reality of a divorce situation, that there are special times when you won't get to be with your kids. But that was the first time and it was just hard. I wondered what they were doing. If they were having fun. If they had missed me or even thought of me.
It was also the first time I've gone through a holiday season in my house alone. It's just weird- from baking cookies to decorating, to putting trees up. My kids didn't notice or care. So I guess I just did it all for me? It was the first time I didn't have someone running the camcorder, just as excited as me to see my girls wake up on Christmas Day. Nobody sneaking cookies out of the jar. Nobody hanging lights outside. I guess we all have traditions. And you don't necessarily think about why you do them, you just do. Next year I'll have to rethink things. By then I'll be living in a different place and it would be a good time to reassess my traditions, forget the things of the past and find things that fit my girls and I.
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